Best Al Bundy Quotes from Married with Children
Al Bundy — the shoe salesman who'd rather talk about his four touchdowns than sell another pair of pumps — delivered some of the sharpest, funniest, and most brutally honest lines in television history. Played by Ed O'Neill across 259 episodes of Married... with Children (FOX, 1987–1997), Al became the voice of every working man who peaked too early and married too fast.
This is the most complete collection of Al Bundy quotes on the internet, organized by theme and — unlike every other list out there — every single quote includes the exact season, episode number, and episode title so you can look it up and watch it yourself.
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💍 Love & Marriage: Al Bundy's Best Quotes About Married Life
The theme song says "love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage." For Al Bundy, it was more like a ball and chain. Here are his sharpest lines about life with Peg.
"I'm sorry, honey. I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of killing myself."
— Al Bundy, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot""Do you two have any kids?" — "No." — "...You gonna neuter him too?"
— Al Bundy to Steve Rhoades, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot""We have lived here for 15 years, and we have no friends."
— Al Bundy, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot""If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game."
— Al Bundy on the Rhoades, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot""Ah, home sweet hell."
— Al Bundy"Run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep. Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist, but the key word here is 'run.'"
— Al Bundy to Jefferson about marrying Marcy, Season 5, Episode 12: "Married... with Who?""Peg, I wouldn't rub your tushy if Robin Williams popped out of it and offered me three wishes."
— Al Bundy, Season 9, Episode 14: "Best of Bundy""God, I feel like Exxon. One spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life!"
— Al Bundy on Peg's pregnancy, Season 6, Episode 1: "She's Having My Baby, Part 1"
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🏈 Polk High Glory Days: Al Bundy's Football Quotes
November 17, 1966 — the day Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in a single game for the Polk High Panthers against Andrew Johnson High in the City Championship. He's been telling the story ever since. Here's every version of it.
"Polk High. And while I find you fat and repulsive, I'll gladly regale you with tales of my four touchdowns in one game."
— Al Bundy at the employment office, Season 7, Episode 23: "'Tis Time to Smell the Roses""Bundy! B-U-N-D-Y! Al Bundy! Made all-city back in '66. Four touchdowns. And I'm not talking the whole year. One game!"
— Al Bundy at the audition, Season 7, Episode 6: "Just Shoe It"Young Peg: "You scored four touchdowns today. Four in one game. That's never been done before! You single-handedly won Polk High's championship football game."
Young Al: "Oh, Peg, it's no big deal. I mean, it's not like it's going to be the highlight of my life or anything."
— Flashback, Season 11, Episode 21: "Requiem for a Chevyweight, Part 1"Ms. Blaub: "Did you go to high school?"
Al: "I did. Polk High, class of 1966."
— Season 7, Episode 23: "'Tis Time to Smell the Roses"Ms. Blaub: "Tell me, do you have any skills?"
Al: "Well, I'm naturally inquisitive. For instance, I'm wondering just how strong that chair is you're sitting in."
— Season 7, Episode 23: "'Tis Time to Smell the Roses"
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👞 Gary's Shoes: Al Bundy's Best Shoe Store & Work Quotes
Al Bundy works at Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Woman in the New Market Mall. It is, by his own description, a "minimum-wage slow death." Here are his finest workplace observations.
"Oh sure, on the surface, selling women's shoes is fun. But once you cut through all the hype, the myths, the glamour, it's really very much like any minimum-wage-paying slow death."
— Al Bundy, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Fat Woman: "You're very fresh!"
Al: "No, ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when really I should have been easing them into the box."
— Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Woman: "Come on, Arnold, we're leaving."
Arnold: "I want a balloon."
Al: [looking at Arnold's mother] "You've already got one!"
— First audience applause in series history, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot""I'll tell you something, Peg. Feet, and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination."
— Al Bundy, Season 1, Episode 3: "But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy"Ugly Woman: "I need something that goes with this dress."
Al: "A bubbling cauldron?"
— Season 1, Episode 10: "The Poker Game""And the best part — some fat woman came in the store and yelled at me. And she went out and fell right on her ass."
— Al Bundy, Season 2, Episode 4: "If I Were a Rich Man""I hate Valentine's Day in the shoe shop. Every fat woman in Chicago hippos in wanting pink pumps. As if anyone can see their feet over the bulging flesh of their ankles."
— Al Bundy, Season 2, Episode 17: "Peggy Loves Al Yeah, Yeah, Yeah"Woman: "I need shoes."
Al: "Yeah, the blacksmith's right around the corner."
— Season 2, Episode 18: "The Great Escape""Well, we're not dealing with what Webster meant by feet. Let's face it, girls, what we have here is rib roasts with nails."
— Al Bundy, Season 3, Episode 3: "I'm Going to Sweatland""A fat woman came into the shoe store today. She said 'I'd like something I'd be comfortable in.' I said 'Try Wyoming!'"
— Al Bundy, Season 9, Episode 14: "Best of Bundy""A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size five. I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me along behind. Thank God a stick of butter fell out of her purse and I was able to grease my way outta there."
— Al Bundy, Season 6, Episode 8: "God's Shoes"Fat Customer: "You'll be hearing from my attorney."
Al: "Is that the law offices of Häagen and Dazs?"
— Season 6, Episode 12: "So This Is How Sinatra Felt""A fat woman came into the store today. She wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me 'cause she's fat."
— Al Bundy, Season 7, Episode 12: "Christmas""This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had 3 smaller women orbiting around her. So I'm trying to force a pair of size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet, when she says to me that her husband just left her."
— Al Bundy, Season 8, Episode 1: "A Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peggy Make a Basket?""She asked for something to make her foot look smaller and I said 'Try your ass.'"
— Al Bundy, Season 8, Episode 12: "Just a Little off the Top"Fat Customer: "Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue."
Al: "I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror. I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell 'moo' and I'll stop."
— Season 8, Episode 14: "Honey, I Blew up Myself"Customer: "My feet might have gotten bigger from all the aerobics."
Al: "You might have also fallen on your butt a few times."
Customer: "How dare you say that to my face!"
Al: "Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!"
— Season 11, Episode 9: "Crimes Against Obesity"
✊ NO MA'AM: Al Bundy's Rebellion Quotes
The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood — founded by Al Bundy in Season 7 — became the rallying cry for every man who'd had enough. (Read the full NO MA'AM story here.)
"I now call to order this meeting of the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood."
— Al Bundy, Season 9, Episode 5: "A Man for No Seasons""NO MA'AM isn't like California! You can't just walk in!"
— Al Bundy, Season 9, Episode 5: "A Man for No Seasons""Hooters, Hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, Hooters, on a girl that's dumb."
— The Official Bundy Credo, as told by Al to Bud, Season 7, Episode 25: "The Wedding Repercussions""Men, we have been wronged. Our forefathers were wronged. Even our fivefathers were wronged."
— Al Bundy, NO MA'AM meeting"It's time we took a stand. The couch potato has left the couch!"
— Al Bundy, NO MA'AM rally
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🔥 Classic Burns: Al Bundy's Best Insults & One-Liners
Nobody roasts like Al Bundy. Whether it's Marcy, a customer, or his own family — no one is safe from his razor-sharp tongue.
"Looks like you got a heck of a piece of clay to work with."
— Al Bundy about Marcy, to Steve, Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Marcy: "I don't know why we even need bras."
Al: "Well, I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat."
— Season 9, Episode 14: "Best of Bundy""We don't eat vegetables."
— The Bundy Credo on nutrition, Season 3: "Eatin' Out""Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain."
— Al Bundy, Season 5, Episode 1: "We'll Follow the Sun"Al: "My country would never rule against me."
Bud: "Dad, they ruled against you."
Al: "Damn George Washington! I wish he was dead."
— Al BundySanta (offscreen): "Remember, I know when you're sleeping!"
Al: "And I know when you've had beans!"
— Season 4, Episode 11: "It's a Bundyful Life, Part 1"
🎤 The Legendary Speeches: Al Bundy's Most Famous Monologues
These are the long speeches fans remember word for word — the moments where Al Bundy went from sitcom dad to cultural icon. We present them in full, with context.
The "Loser" Speech
Al confronts Miss DeGroot, the librarian who's tormented him since childhood, after she calls him a loser. His response became the single most quoted Al Bundy monologue of all time.
"So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting other people's shoes on their feet. I'll never play football like I used to. I'll never be invited to another party. I'll never date another woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"
— Al Bundy, Season 3, Episode 1: "He Thought He Could" (November 6, 1988)The Road Trip Speech
Al rallies the guys for a cross-country trip, delivering one of his most unexpectedly poetic moments.
"We're gonna go where people pretend they want to go when they can't afford to go someplace good. We're gonna see America."
— Al Bundy, Season 5, Episode 1: "We'll Follow the Sun"The "Men's Rights" Speech
The speech that laid the philosophical groundwork for NO MA'AM. Al stands up for a man's right to... use the bathroom in peace.
"Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here, but doesn't a man have a right to one room in his house? One room where a man can sit in his own little chair, read his own little paper, and not have to worry about the doorknob hitting him in the back of the head?"
— Al Bundy, Season 5, Episode 15: "A Man's Castle"Al Bundy's Christmas Poem
Al babysits mall children and tells his version of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" — Bundy style.
"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, no food was a-stirring, not even a mouse... And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: 'You're married with children, you'll never be free!'"
— Al Bundy, Season 4, Episode 11: "It's a Bundyful Life, Part 1" (December 17, 1989)
💬 Peg & Al: The Best Bundy Marriage Exchanges
The heart of Married... with Children was always Al and Peg's back-and-forth. Here are their sharpest dialogue exchanges.
Peg: "Hi honey, did you miss me?"
Al: "With every bullet so far."
— Season 5, Episode 1: "We'll Follow the Sun"Peg: "Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B—"
Al: "B."
— Season 5, Episode 12: "Married... with Who?"Peg: "What are you thinking?"
Al: "You know, if I wanted you to know, I'd be talking."
— Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Peg: "Isn't staying home with me fun?"
Al: "Don't wait up."
— Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Peg: "You could shave your back."
Al: "That hair is there for a reason. It keeps you off of me at night."
— Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Peg: "Al, my blisters are hurting from carrying that food to the checkout counter."
Al: "Well, Peg, if you had been there before, you would have known that the carts at the front of the store were for that."
— Al and Peg BundyAl: "Every night when the kids go out, it's just you and me. Can't you see how boring that is for me?"
Peg: "Al, I want to have some friends."
Al: "Oh, I'm gonna be nice. How's this for nice? I'm not even gonna be here."
— Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot"Peg: "Gee, Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell."
Al: "Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you about it, do you?"
— Al and Peg Bundy
❓ Frequently Asked Questions About Al Bundy
What is Al Bundy's most famous quote?
Al Bundy's most quoted line is the "loser speech" from Season 3, Episode 1 ("He Thought He Could"), where he confronts the librarian Miss DeGroot. After she calls him a loser, Al fires back with a monologue about his daily misery — the frozen Pop Tarts, the car with no gas, the cheap shoes — but concludes that simply keeping going despite it all is what makes him a winner, not a loser. It's the single most-shared Al Bundy quote on the internet.
What episode does Al Bundy score 4 touchdowns?
Al's four-touchdown game is referenced throughout all 11 seasons of the show, but the most detailed accounts appear in Season 9, Episode 1 ("Dud Bowl") — where Al plays a reunion game against rival Andrew Johnson High — and in the flashback scene in Season 11, Episode 21 ("Requiem for a Chevyweight, Part 1"). According to show lore, the game took place on November 17, 1966, at approximately 4:40 PM, with winds from the southeast at 12 MPH. Al played fullback, wore jersey #33, and scored the game-winning touchdown in the final seconds against his nemesis "Spare Tire" Dixon.
What does NO MA'AM stand for?
NO MA'AM stands for National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood. It was founded by Al Bundy in Season 7, Episode 13. The club regularly met at the Bundy residence and later at the Nudie Bar, with members including Jefferson D'Arcy, Griff, Bob Rooney, Ike, and Officer Dan. Read the full NO MA'AM story here.
What is Al Bundy's shoe store called?
Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Woman, located in the fictional New Market Mall in Chicago, Illinois. Al has worked there since graduating from Polk High and was named "Rookie Shoe Salesman of the Year" in 1968 — an award he never came close to earning again.
What is Al Bundy's jersey number?
Al Bundy's jersey number is #33. He played fullback for the Polk High Panthers and earned the nickname "Touchdown Bundy." You can rep his legendary number with our Polk High 33 T-Shirt.
How many episodes of Married with Children are there?
259 episodes across 11 seasons, airing on FOX from April 5, 1987 to June 9, 1997. The show was created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye. As of 2026, episodes are available to stream on Hulu and Peacock.
What is Al Bundy's full name?
His full name is Alphonse "Al" Bundy. He was born on November 7, 1948, in Chicago, Illinois. He married Margaret "Peggy" Wanker (later Bundy) and has two children: Kelly and Bud.
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